Breaking Free from the ‘Good Girl Syndrome’

A note from one recovering “good girl” to another…

I’ve come to see “the good girl syndrome” as something so many of us carry quietly. It’s not loud or obvious. It shows up in how we always say yes, how we second-guess our own needs, how we look to others for permission—sometimes even just to be ourselves.

If you’ve ever felt like you need to be liked, approved of, or perfect to be okay... you’re not alone. I know that feeling deeply.

So what is “the good girl syndrome”?

It’s a pattern we learn in childhood, especially if we grew up monitoring our parents’ moods or taking on responsibility too early. It becomes our way of staying safe: being helpful, agreeable, not rocking the boat.

As adults, it can look like:

·         Always putting others’ needs before our own

·         Worrying about what others think of us

·         Feeling anxious if someone’s upset—even if it’s not our fault

·         Avoiding conflict at all costs

·         Seeking external validation to feel okay

And while these habits may have helped us survive as children, they can leave us depleted and disconnected as adults.

The cost of being the “good girl”

When we live this way long enough, we start to lose touch with ourselves. We might feel burnt out, resentful, anxious—or just flat. At its worst, good girl syndrome can lead to a total loss of self, and even depression.

For a long time, I didn’t realise how much I was looking outside of myself—waiting for someone to tell me I was enough. That I was doing okay. That I could rest. That I was allowed to stop proving myself.

The turning point

The biggest step in healing this pattern is learning to feel safe within ourselves.

That means no longer relying on partners, bosses, friends, or parents to tell us we’re worthy. And no longer feeling like we’ve failed when we don’t get the “gold star.”

It takes time. For many of us, our nervous system was wired to believe that love had to be earned—so when we try to stop, it can feel... uncomfortable. But that discomfort is part of the process.

“Healing starts when we stop asking the world for permission to be who we are.”

Compassion is essential

Part of this journey is learning to have compassion—for ourselves, and for the people around us. Most of our caregivers were doing the best they could. We adapted to the environment we were in, and that adaptation kept us safe.

It’s okay that we did that. It’s okay that we still do it sometimes.

And now, as adults, we get to gently begin choosing something different.

What’s under the surface

As we start to untangle the “good girl” patterns, we often uncover old emotions—things we’ve pushed down for years.

One of the most misunderstood? Anger.

So many women were taught that anger is wrong or shameful. But anger, when explored gently, is often the doorway to power. It tells us something important: a need wasn’t met. A boundary was crossed. Something mattered to us.

With time and care, we can:

·         Understand where our anger lives

·         Release the shame around it

·         Let it guide us into stronger boundaries and self-respect

Healing is a process, not a performance

There are layers to this work. Good girl syndrome doesn’t disappear overnight, and that’s okay. It often comes back during life transitions—new jobs, motherhood, relationships ending, boundaries being tested.

But here’s the good news: awareness changes everything. And with awareness, support, and practice, we can move through it with more ease and strength.

“When we stop being the ‘good girl,’ we don’t become bad. We become real.”

What life feels like on the other side

When we start to let go of good girl conditioning, things shift. We stop fearing other people’s judgment so much. We speak up for what we need. We feel more connected to who we really are.

We start choosing based on what we want—not what will keep others comfortable.

And perhaps most beautifully, we begin to model a new way of being—for our children, our friends, and future generations. We stop the cycle.

💛 Ready to start this journey?

I’ve created a group programme called Free to Be Me to support women in breaking free from good girl syndrome. We follow the SERENE pathway, a simple but powerful method to help you:

·         Stop worrying what everyone else thinks

·         Reconnect with your true self

·         Feel confident in your choices

·         Stop overgiving and start feeling whole again

If you’d like to join the next live round, click here to join the priority list. You’ll also be the first to hear about my next masterclass, where we explore this topic together in a gentle, supportive way. It comes with a workbook for you to reflect in, and there’s no pressure to commit to anything beyond that.

Wishing you well
Joanne