Breaking Free from the ‘Good Girl Syndrome’
A note from one recovering “good girl” to another…
I’ve come to see “the good girl syndrome” as something many of us women carry quietly. It’s not loud or obvious. It shows up in how we almost always say yes, how we second-guess our own needs, how we tend to look to others for permission—sometimes even just to be ourselves.
If you’ve ever felt like you need to be liked, approved of, or perfect to be okay... you’re not alone.
So what is “the good girl syndrome”?
It’s a pattern we learn in childhood, especially if we grew up monitoring our parents’ moods or taking on responsibility too early. It becomes our way of staying safe: being helpful, agreeable, not rocking the boat, keeping the peace.
As adults, it can look like:
· Always putting others’ needs before our own
· Worrying about what others think of us
· Feeling anxious if someone’s upset—even if it’s not our fault
· Avoiding conflict at all costs
· Seeking external validation to feel okay
And while these habits may have helped us survive as children, they can leave us depleted and disconnected as adults.
The cost of being the “good girl”
When we live this way long enough, we start to lose touch with ourselves. We might feel burnt out, resentful, anxious—or just flat. At its worst, good girl syndrome can lead to a total loss of self, and even depression.
For a long time, I didn’t realise how much I was looking outside of myself—waiting for someone to tell me I was enough. That I was doing okay. That I could rest. That I was allowed to stop proving myself.
The turning point
The biggest step in healing this pattern is learning to feel safe within ourselves.
That means no longer relying on partners, bosses, friends, or parents to tell us we’re worthy. And no longer feeling like we’ve failed when we don’t get the “gold star.”
It takes time. For many of us, our nervous system was wired to believe that love had to be earned—so when we try to stop, it can feel... uncomfortable. But that discomfort is part of the process.
“Healing starts when we stop asking the world for permission to be who we are.”
Compassion is essential
Part of this journey is learning to have compassion—for ourselves, and for the people around us. Most of our caregivers were doing the best they could. We adapted to the environment we were in, and that adaptation kept us safe.
It’s okay that we did that. It’s okay that we still do it sometimes.
And now, as adults, we get to gently begin choosing something different.
What’s under the surface
As we start to untangle the “good girl” patterns, we often uncover old emotions—things we’ve pushed down for years.
One of the most misunderstood? Anger.
So many of us women were taught that anger is wrong or shameful. But anger, when explored gently, is often the doorway to power. It tells us something important: a need wasn’t met. A boundary was crossed. Something mattered to us.
With time and care, we can:
· Understand where our anger lives
· Move the fear and release the shame around it
· Let it guide us into stronger boundaries and self-respect
Healing is a process, not a performance
There are layers to this work. Good girl syndrome doesn’t disappear overnight, and that’s okay. It often comes back during life transitions—new jobs, motherhood, relationships ending, boundaries being tested.
But here’s the good news: awareness changes everything. And with awareness, support, and practice, we can move through it with more ease and strength.
“When we stop being the ‘good girl,’ we don’t become bad. We become real.”
What life feels like on the other side
When we start to let go of good girl conditioning, things shift. We stop fearing other people’s judgment so much. We speak up for what we need. We feel more connected to who we really are.
We start choosing based on what we want—not what will keep others comfortable.
And perhaps most beautifully, we begin to model a new way of being—for our children, our friends, and future generations. We stop the cycle.
💛 Ready to start this journey?
If this blog stirred something in you — if you're beginning to see the quiet ways you’ve been silencing yourself or giving too much — you’re not alone.
Come join me for the UNMASKING THE GOOD GIRL Workshop where we’ll go to the roots of the Good Girl Syndrome. You’ll learn the most important step of all - an awareness of this pattern and how it’s directly impacting you...
In this live 1-hr interactive workshop, you’ll learn:
⭐ The hidden pattern that keeps women stuck in self-sacrifice and burnout
⭐ How this pattern is showing up in your life
⭐ What life can look like on the other side
⭐ The 6-step pathway to freedom that I use with my clients (and myself)
👉 To join/ learn more please go to UNMASKING THE GOOD GIRL Workshop
💫 Want to Go All In?
If you're craving guided transformation, on top of insight — Free to Be Me might be the next step for you.
This 8-week live group coaching journey is for women who are ready to stop shrinking, speak their truth, and finally feel at home in themselves.
Enrollment opens at select times and space is very limited.
👉 To learn more go to FREE TO BE ME Group Programme
Wishing you well
Joanne
Joanne Deaker is a Somatic & Arts Therapist who specializes in helping highly sensitive, deeply caring women break free from the Good Girl Syndrome — a debilitating pattern of overgiving.
With training in both somatic therapy and in arts therapy, Joanne combines creative and body-based tools with deep personal experience to guide women in reconnecting with their true selves.
Having lived through some major life transitions, Joanne understands what it feels like to be lost and disconnected. She’s walked the path of recovery from Good Girl Syndrome herself, and now helps others reclaim their time, energy, and sense of self.