We hold a grudge when someone hurts us and we can’t, or maybe aren’t ready to face the pain of that past interaction (or maybe what that interaction triggered in us). We have this idea that we can somehow transfer our hurt back onto that person by holding a grudge against them, and that will make us feel better. But does it ever make us feel better? And does it actually hurt the other person?
The saying above suggests otherwise… our expectation of hurting the other person is often unrealized and instead we just end up hurting ourselves. Having the pain stuck in us ends up being like a festering wound with a band-aid over it. The hurt does not go away, it’s just suppressed, waiting to boil over at some future point in time when a similar experience triggers it.
So next time you feel like holding a grudge consider what it might be doing to you. Look at the emotion behind the situation that’s set off this feeling. Give yourself the self care so that you can process this emotion and the hurt behind it. Seek support if you need guidance on how to work your way through this, and ensure you are well enough resourced to cope with what might come up.
Wishing you well in this crazy human life.
Nothing stays the same. Everything is designed to move, to flow, to change. Emotions are no different. They are literally energy in motion. We try to cling to the ones we perceive as positive… such as ‘joy’… only to find the more we cling, the more they tend to go. We attempt to repel, push away or push down the ones we perceive as negative… such as ‘grief’ only to find they pop up elsewhere – again and again.
Ensuring that you are feeling safe to do so… allow yourself to feel your emotions in the moment as much as you can (note it may be necessary to do this in small chunks depending on the strength of emotion, and what might be underlying it*) and eventually they pass.
*The more painful and/or ingrained emotions (those arising from traumatic imprints) may take a number of times to slowly be felt, balanced with knowing what to do for yourself if or when it becomes too much… this is where a trauma informed therapist can help guide you. A well trained therapist will firstly guide you in methods of finding safety within your body, either directly or through various other ways, and from this position will guide you to begin feeling into the discomfort of the more challenging emotions, returning to safety as needed, until eventually the emotion reduces in intensity and eventually flows away. This is a slow, gentle process that will take a number of sessions.
For more information on how this might work for you book a free strategy call with me.
by Joanne Deaker @reconnectme_nz
I imagine asking my ex if he ever thinks of me and him answering… ‘Geez Jo, we spent 34 years together, of course I think of you’… my eyes moisten until the droplets of tears coalesce and then roll down my cheeks. I wonder what could have been if he’d been willing to do the emotional work.
I’ve spent the last 1 ½ years healing from a marriage break up. I’ve been working with my emotions, using arts therapy (which I’m trained in), nature immersion and various other modalities such as qi gong and mindful self compassion. It’s been quite a rollercoaster journey of extreme lows and joyous highs (that I’d never felt before). In retrospect I now see how numbed out I was before.
How did I do it? I learned to sit with my emotion. To hold space for it, and allow it to be there. I learned to fully express and allow my emotions through arts therapy… movement, sound, visual art, sculpture, creative writing, poetry and more. I learned to sit with myself and just be there. At times I sobbed so hard my body shook. I learned to connect to a higher part of myself that could witness and allow my emotions. I learned to connect to and have compassion for that little girl inside me who was deeply, deeply hurt… and to support and nurture her through it all. And gradually the pain, the grief, the anger lessened as I reconnected to all the different parts of myself. I began to feel peace and joy in this life again.
I continue to do this incredibly healing work on myself, acknowledging that this work is an ongoing process. I am in a good place now, feeling better than I ever have so after a pilot test run with my first few clients, I am now opening up to work with others using these techniques that worked for me. I am currently offering a six session (one per week) online programme where you work directly with me. It is tailored specifically to each individual so we would have a free presession zoom chat to see if our working together would be a fit for you, as well as to help me gauge your specific needs. The programme is currently discounted when paid upfront.
I see many, many people struggling with emotions like I was. Struggling to contain them and often getting sick with it. Some plaster over their repressed emotions with addictions such as drinking alcohol or working far too hard. Many are completely numbed out… they feel very little, like they’re living life on autopilot, and one day they may wonder where their life went. I don’t want this for you. If this resonates please click this link to book your free 30 minute zoom pre-session consultation and come see if this programme might be a fit for you.
by Joanne Deaker @reconnectme_nz
Unlike art simply as a pleasant therapeutic process (what I call art as therapy), arts therapy goes deep into the psyche and can intentionally be used to access our inner knowing.
It does this through the medium of our body, maybe as...
Arts therapy goes beyond words… although it will also ultimately use some words, as a medium to help understand or make sense of what is created.
Arts therapy can also be used to help us understand more deeply about why we might be feeling something. To help us find the message in an emotion.
Here's an example of how arts therapy can be used in this way...
When you work with me, we would extend, expand and explore this further using a range of processes (the one described above is only one of many we might use). This is balanced with our working together to resource you so we can pull back when it becomes too much. Your care is of prime importance and emotional work does take work. So a big part of my supporting you through arts therapy is in resourcing you so you can cope and bring yourself back up when needed. Over time as you learn to gently be with, and work through your emotions, the discomfort around them lessens and we open ourselves up more and more to the higher, better feeling emotions such as peace and joy. We begin to see the world again in a range of colours rather than shades of gray.
Wishing you well