This message is for those who are working through a long term relationship ending either with a partner or maybe a relative or long time friend. It comes from my own lived experience both directly and in witnessing and helping others…
When a relationship ends there are likely still parts of us that loved a past part of them. While that past part of them may no longer exist, the energetics of that part of the relationship and that part in us, may still exist and often requires some processing. For example the younger version of ourselves likely felt very different about the younger version of our ex partner/friend than we likely do now and as we process it all those memories tend to flood back in and bring up grief (sometimes considerable grief).
The more years there are, the more memories there are. A song in the supermarket may trigger a pleasant memory and we are reminded of what was but we don’t have now… because things have changed… we’ve changed… they’ve changed… We don’t have to make anything right or wrong. Just simply hold an awareness that we’re grieving for what was. There is a part of us that still feels in love (and can’t just ‘unlove’). Welcoming this in and making it okay, along with an awareness and strong boundaries around what is now in the present is key to healing these parts of ourselves.
Wishing you well in this crazy human life.
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While it has been worth it to come to where I am now, it does not mean that there hasn’t been times of pain. Aching, sobbing, heartfelt pain. Occasionally it still comes now. A reminder that I am human. I allow myself to feel it, to wash over me, to process it and it naturally moves. On the other side is peace.
The poem below describes my last few years and was written while working with arts therapy on myself. I am sharing it as a reminder that it does take courage to grow, it does hurt, their will inevitably be pain… but when one can work with it, it does move… and there is the most brilliant light at the end of the tunnel. This is the human journey, and even in its times of apparent ‘ugliness’ it is somehow beautiful because it all ultimately brings us to rediscover our wondrous authentic and full self… we experience what it is truly and fully like to be human on this planet… the painful lows and the exuberantly joyful ups interspersed with the peace in between… and not this numbed out shell that so many people on this earth become trapped in (including where I once was).
A growing fracture
Becomes a divide
A valley too big to bridge
That fills with lava
Boiling, raging, hot and damaging
For both of us
It burns, does its damage
Leaving a brittle, fragile landscape
A barren nothingness
That demands escape… space, distance
So tears can begin
And pour in for what once was
For a past of hopes and dreams
But painfully remembered
Until they can be released
Let go of
With me from this divide
A fresh slate
Awaits my writing
And exciting new beginnings unfold
This is a message for those who have been through relationship break ups or endings with partners or maybe family members or friends they were once close too. It’s one that resonates with me and that I reminded myself of regularly when I processed the end of my own long term relationship…
Love does not just go away. It is okay (perhaps even healthy) to still hold love for someone when a relationship ends, although this is with the proviso of having it balanced with STRONG boundaries including an awareness as to why that relationship ended. Hating someone, I believe is a bit like the post I did about holding a grudge… it tends to just poison us and potentially have no to little effect on the other apart from potentially inflaming things.
I reiterate that we do still need to create and hold our boundaries. This may include ‘no contact’ as we’re likely to be very fragile early on and feeling strong emotions that can quickly become overwhelming, so creating a sense of safety within ourselves is crucial and more easily done when at a distance from the other. We also have no control over the other and where they may be at, so it’s important to be mindful of protecting ourselves.
Having been through a long term relationship break up I have the lived experience as well as the therapy training to help others in similar situations. If you are in need of support after a relationship breakdown and if working with me resonates, book yourself a free 30 minute zoom call here so we can have a chat about how I might be able to help you.
Wishing you well in this crazy human life.
In the first of a series of vlogs, Joanne and Lana discuss the theme of relationships, touching on navigating relationship, anger, perception, astrology, human design, triggers and more.
by Joanne Deaker @reconnectme_nz
I imagine asking my ex if he ever thinks of me and him answering… ‘Geez Jo, we spent 34 years together, of course I think of you’… my eyes moisten until the droplets of tears coalesce and then roll down my cheeks. I wonder what could have been if he’d been willing to do the emotional work.
I’ve spent the last 1 ½ years healing from a marriage break up. I’ve been working with my emotions, using arts therapy (which I’m trained in), nature immersion and various other modalities such as qi gong and mindful self compassion. It’s been quite a rollercoaster journey of extreme lows and joyous highs (that I’d never felt before). In retrospect I now see how numbed out I was before.
How did I do it? I learned to sit with my emotion. To hold space for it, and allow it to be there. I learned to fully express and allow my emotions through arts therapy… movement, sound, visual art, sculpture, creative writing, poetry and more. I learned to sit with myself and just be there. At times I sobbed so hard my body shook. I learned to connect to a higher part of myself that could witness and allow my emotions. I learned to connect to and have compassion for that little girl inside me who was deeply, deeply hurt… and to support and nurture her through it all. And gradually the pain, the grief, the anger lessened as I reconnected to all the different parts of myself. I began to feel peace and joy in this life again.
I continue to do this incredibly healing work on myself, acknowledging that this work is an ongoing process. I am in a good place now, feeling better than I ever have so after a pilot test run with my first few clients, I am now opening up to work with others using these techniques that worked for me. I am currently offering a six session (one per week) online programme where you work directly with me. It is tailored specifically to each individual so we would have a free presession zoom chat to see if our working together would be a fit for you, as well as to help me gauge your specific needs. The programme is currently discounted when paid upfront.
I see many, many people struggling with emotions like I was. Struggling to contain them and often getting sick with it. Some plaster over their repressed emotions with addictions such as drinking alcohol or working far too hard. Many are completely numbed out… they feel very little, like they’re living life on autopilot, and one day they may wonder where their life went. I don’t want this for you. If this resonates please click this link to book your free 30 minute zoom pre-session consultation and come see if this programme might be a fit for you.